Archive for March, 2007
He has managed to take Thursday off work. Off his own back he offered to see if he could, and the man with the rota he say yes!
I try to never volunteer him to help out with any of the appointments as, as supportive as he is, it was my decision to help DG, and logistically its a much bigger deal for him to get time off work anyway. The only day I have asked asked him to get is egg collection day. As I’m very bad with medical things and don’t always react well to any form of anaesthesia (I get a bit on the weepy side). He has supported me through a few medical things over the years, and knows issues like getting the cannula out of my hand before i’m too aware they are there (capable of getting them out himself if necessary) and knows my weepyness is usually just a mixture of reaction to drugs and relief things are over so will know not to be too worried but just give me a hug. DG will be there with worries of her own about everything so DH being there knowing whats going on with me should help in that way too. Anyway, he’s spoken to work and they’ve been very understanding, and he said he’s told them he’ll be needing to take TWO days off in case I’m a bit sore the next day to be looking after the monsters alone. I told you he was a sweety!
So … back to Thursday. Not sure what the plan is yet but think he may stay at home with the kids. The scan isn’t such an issue as my little man loves to watch things like that. Its more the nurse consult. There’s going to be a lot of information being thrown around and I’m sure both DG and I want to make sure we’ve asked every question possible, so not having to contain a 4 yr old and 1 yr old will make all the difference. So thank you sweetheart!
OK so they’ve gone again now but first thing this more the nerves returned. For some reason I had got it into my head that the ultrasound scan and nurse consult was this Friday and suddenly, I realised that the 5th is Thursday! We don’t really celebrate Easter and dh has not long switched from shifts that meant he was usually working Bank Holidays so the two coming up threw me a little. No problem though. We have nothing planned for that day, in fact dh may be able to get it off and come with us (fingers crossed, that would help with the kids a lot!).
It just made me start thinking about things again and my worries that I’ll cause a problem somewhere along the way, and I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the appointment that particularly bothers me. Later on there could be issues of how I react to the drugs, etc how well I stim, but this is the stage where they could find something that puts a stop to the whole thing before we even get started. Oh its daft and there’s nothing I can do about it now but give my girly regions a good talking to!
After Thursday I think things will seem very real and imminent and quite exciting. I’ve found anything I plan this year get sorted in my head as to whether it falls before, after or during ivf. Its quite an odd way to be sorting things but I know DG is doing it too.
OK the nerves have gone, roll on Thursday!
After yesterday’s marathon post I thought I’d should maybe pop back today on a lighter note. I dreamt last night that I was back working holiday camp entertainment and had to learn the Scooch ‘Flying the Flag’ routine (this year’s euro entry if you’re blessed not to know). Now as funny as this dream was I sincerely know I have no desire to be at one with the cheesy popsters. I wish them all the best in the World but I think over the years I did enough party dances to last me a lifetime. So that definitely puts paid to the ‘dreaming of pregnancy must mean I want to be pregnant’ thing!
(very long post warning, grab a cup of tea!)
I think most women I’ve spoken to have dreamt they were pregnant at one time or another. Its been a while since I have but, I did the other night. It was at that point where you’re almost awake and you wake up still half in the dream. A slight panic did suddenly cross my mind in a strange way, which probably takes some explaining and a little history.
Growing up I have always loved children but it never entered my mind for second having a child of my own. It wasn’t so much that I consciously didn’t want any, I just didn’t think about it at all. My mother had fallen pregnant with me at 15 (My dad, 23) and, although my parents are still together (29 years now) and nothing was ever said I’ve always been made to feel how hard I made their lives. I had no intention of that happening to me.
Throughout my late teens I was in what turned out to be a very bad relationship that still affects me to this day. After 6th form I moved away from my family in Surrey to Cambridge to be near him. No hand was ever laid on me but I was continually cheated on, and treated badly, and to be honest made to feel that was all I deserved. The relationship lasted, albeit very ‘on-off’ for 5 years and apart from the end when I finally found the strength to end things there was only one time that sticks in my mind where I truly stood up to him. At 19 I found my period did not arrive dead on its usual 32 days. I didn’t panic particularly, we were always very careful but after almost a week had passed I thought I should do a test. My ex looked at me and said he couldn’t see our relationship lasting long term if it was positive. I looked him straight back in the face and told him if I was pregnant that I would leave him there and then as I wouldn’t put a child through what I allowed him to put me through. There was no pregnancy thankfully, but although our relationship continued for over a year after then it really was pretty much dead.
Then I met DH *cue the soppy romantic music lol*. We’d both been through the mill a little and had no intention of getting into anything serious. But, serious it did get very quickly. Although in separate houses within weeks we were pretty much living together, Mon-Fri spent at my shared house, weekends at his, both going to work but, together every waking moment in between. I think if anyone had said to either of us that was the kind of relationship we were going to fall into and be happy with that we would have laughed in their face. We moved in together officially after about 4 months when he announced he was coming with me when I restarted an 8 month seasonal contract working in Essex. Toward the end of that time we had our own little scare. I was again a few days late. I mentioned it to a member of my team and it spread like wildfire with everyone having a laugh calling me ‘preggers lil’. I joined in the jokes but didn’t say anything to dh as I didn’t want him to worry. It all blew up a little (not that he claims to even remember it now!) on a night out when all my team were still laughing amongst themselves and I realised dh thought the joke was on him. Just as I went to tell him he walked off feeling hurt. My manager (useless at the rest of times!) followed him to tell him what was going on. (I’d have followed him myself but he went straight into the men’s!). I waited for him to come back, expecting a very unhappy return. Although very serious about each other our relationship was built on fun and I didn’t think this would be what he had in my mind. He came out smiling though and said ‘Is that all?’, gave me a hug and said quietly ‘Whatever happens we’ll be fine’. I could have cried, not because I thought I wanted to be pregnant but just to feel that love and support.
Again, there was no pregnancy, but this time I felt a little sadness to get that negative. It surprised me. It took a few days to mention it to dh who in turn said he would have been quite happy too. There’s a little too much naughty information for a blog on what came next but we decided to try for a family from then on. We talked lots and both decided our dream family would be the traditional ‘one of each’. We’d have two hoping for the best, then if its two of the same we’d go for a third but stop there if we found we were producing all girls or all boys. We’d like all the kids close together so that the ‘babytime’ period with no sleep, no social life, etc was done in a smaller block rather than keep just starting to get your life back then starting again. Well you think you can plan everything in the early days don’t you!
After a few months of nothing happening we returned to Surrey at the end of my contract. After a few more months we got engaged and began to make plans for a wedding and honeymoon in Japan (a country we are both very interested in) for 3rd March 2003. We thought perhaps things weren’t going to happen for us after all and thought we should maybe be getting on with other things. Almost 2 months later and I was late again. At almost a year of trying I’d gone through a fair few HPT’s so thought this month would be no different. DH was at work but I saw no reason to wait for him to get home as I truly expected nothing to happen. When in less than a minute two extremely strong blue lines appeared I was over the moon. I called dh at work who I am told by his workmates had a huge grin fixed on his face for the rest of the day. My due date was March 1st so wedding plans changed dramatically. We could have put everything back a few years as neither felt the need to be ‘legit’ before we had children but in the end we went for the hassle free option and brought everything forward. A simple wedding was booked for 6 weeks away, dh was still in training at work so couldn’t even take time off for a honeymoon but we didn’t care! August 31st, 2002 we became man and wife and I couldn’t have been happier. My sisters and I were the last in line to an unusual but loved surname from my Grandad who brought me so much happiness but sadly dh never got to meet. Because of this he took my name instead of going the traditional route!
Although uneventful compared to some you hear of, I found pregnancy and labour very hard, lots of sickness and uncomfortable-ness and problems with epidural at the end, followed by returns to hospital after the event for random haemorrhaging events, usually in Sainsbury’s! It all really wasn’t what I had dreamed of but we had our very much-wanted baby so for now it was forgotten.
Although over the next few years I suffered badly with post natal depression we decided that as we wanted our children close together and it had taken a while the first time we would get cracking on another straight away.
My maternity pay was not sorted out until T was 3 months old. In the end the 6 months cost me more in bank charges than I actually received. I tried to return to work to ease the financial burden but, this drastically added to the problems I was having mentally, and if it wasn’t for the support of a fantastic health visitor I honestly don’t think I would be here today. The days were too dark.
I left my job after 1 month and was put onto incapacity benefit for a total of 6 months during which time I started to put myself back together, although I have learnt now that the darkness is always somewhere in the back of your mind you just learn to control it, or rather not let it control you. By T’s 1st birthday there was no sign of a second pregnancy. We left it a few more months before making a trip to the gp to ask for advice.
The tests were done. My cycles had gone a little up the wall, and therefore also ovulation but these, they thought, could be fixed. DH’s sperm count however was abysmal. They said ‘those that were there were doing their best, but were very lonely’. Less than one million is considered very low, in fact less than 1/10th million in our case. IVF, probably with ICSI was our only option. Told they never say things won’t happen naturally because ‘it only takes one sperm and all that, but it reality its not going to happen’. We already have a child though so no NHS cycle for us. We were handed a brochure for a private clinic with price list and sent on our way.
We were having problems surviving day to day financially at times so a private cycle of ivf was just not going to happen for us. No-one had mentioned egg sharing so I didn’t even know this was an option! The months that followed were very painful for us both. I spent many nights in tears. Its someone taking that decision away from me that hurt the most.
It was almost T’s second birthday when we got that positive test. I’ve told the story before of that day, but suffice to say it can still bring me to tears now, we were both so shocked, so happy.
The pregnancy though did not run smooth. Again with the morning sickness, but at this early stage nothing was going to move the smile from my face. I had beaten infertility and I was going to enjoy this pregnancy if it killed me! I found from early on before it should be affecting me that I was having trouble getting around. My mum commented that I had a waddle before a bump and it did seem odd. Then the pain began. SPD. Over the months it increased and increased. At 30 weeks I had a scare meaning 4 days in hospital. At home alone I had chest pains and couldn’t catch my breath. Initial thoughts were a pulmonary embolism, so I spent those days on heparin until a scan showed my chest clear of clots and I was allowed to go home. The pain though was another matter, referred to the physio we first tried a support belt, then crutches, then painkillers. I was allowed to use ibuprofen but in the end this didn’t even take the edge off things. For the final month I could not move myself in bed, shuffled slowly to get anywhere and at least once a day found myself sobbing in agony. It was finally decided that I would be induced that day before my due date. I was over the moon.
I knew it was possible things would probably move along more quickly but I was not prepared for just how bad things could get. Sparing most of the details the main problems were – things went FAR too quickly, I didn’t react well at all to gas and air, (in fact I was convinced I had died and had no idea what was going on apart from the pain, I slipped in and out of any form of consciousness), the pain from the spd was unbearable even once they got an epidural in place, and finally just as I being helped to deliver via vonteuse baby got stuck. A shoulder distocia. DH tells me he was asked to press the button so went for the nurse call bell, and was told ‘no, the big red one’. The doors flung open, and all I knew was my legs were thrown up on my chest and a guy was basically jumping up and down on my stomach whilst various other people were doing things ‘down below’. DH had been pretty much pushed out of the door as everyone came in, and from what he could see and what had gone on so far he was pretty sure he’d lost at least on of us. A sudden release of pressure and my baby was rushed out the door. I couldn’t do anything but sob. A midwife I had not seen before stroked my hair and told me everything would be ok.
A very long 2 minutes passed before I heard cries from outside. Another few minutes and my baby was handed to me. I know now we were both very lucky and she suffered no lasting problems. At the time she had bruising all down one side though. My beautiful newborn was already covered in bruises. We were left on our own as another emergency was taking place in the room next door. I tried to speak to dh and just burst into tears again. I could remember so little of what had just happened. I tried to piece things together and just couldn’t.
I was so scared of PND returning that I talked through the experience with anyone and everyone that would have any input to help me see things more clearly. And to be honest that worked. I still to this day get some flashbacks when I hear a beep of a machine in a shop, thinking it’s the monitor I was attached to throughout, but all in all we came through it really well.
So we had our ‘perfect family’. A little girl and a little boy. No matter what it took to get them we were out the other side now, it was done. We talked long and hard, and agreed that the pain of a decision of what to do if I fell pregnant again would be too much. By 3 months we had already ensured there would be no more pregnancies. Even with dh’s sperm count when E was 10 weeks old he had the snip, and I had a mirena coil fitted.
Which is what brings me back to date. I knew when I offered my eggs to DG that I was happy with what I had. I would be comfortable with her having a child that was genetically half me and would feel no longing for another child myself. I guess I just worried for a moment in that half asleep, half dreaming moment that I was dreaming for something I want.
Part of me though I realise will always pine for that perfect pregnancy and birth I never had. When I dream of being pregnant it isn’t dreams of a pregnancy I have had or in reality could have because I know the spd would return and that scares me to death. It isn’t dreams for a child I want either. There certainly isn’t room in our little house for a 3rd child, and we have exactly the family we always wanted. I suppose there’s nothing wrong with dreams, maybe I should just enjoy them for what they are, a dream.
Well the call came in. We have the go ahead, but its not entirely full steam ahead good news yet. We can definitely have our treatment, and embryos can be frozen but not stored. Mr R sounded optimistic though and said he will look at freezing and then transferring to a facility that can store for us. He has always come across and very positive and helpful so I’m hoping that means he will do everything he can to help in that respect. The problem is, in theory, the hepatitis could reappear. It hasn’t in the last 20 years, but in theory it could so they cannot store as a contamination issue.
The next appointment is booked though. Need to double check times as we couldn’t get as early int he day as wanted but at the moment on April 5th we will be arriving for a scan and nurse consult which will arrange all our dates and drugs and be the day that I think things will suddenly become very real!
DG did sound a little down over it not being a total yes. But its a certainly a better answer than it could have been. We both want our treatment at this clinic as its small, friendly and unmedical-like and its a little late in the day anyway to be looking at other places that specialise in contamination issues, especially when its not really needed.
Lets just hope Mr R is correct and DG can still have frosties to use if necessary. Of course they won’t be needed anyway – positive thinking and all that 🙂
waiting waiting waiting…
DG duly called the clinic at 9am this morning. They think at that time in the evening a call would have been from Mr R who isn’t in til 11am! (thats any minute now but days away at 9 this morning!). There was another nurse who might know whats going on but she’s in scans all morning.
They’ve promised to find out as soon as they can but I’m not sure either of us will have nails left by then!
DG has a missed call from the clinic! They didn’t leave a message and of course everyone has now gone home! Do we have our answer? Have we got the go ahead? Can we freeze embies? Tune in same bat time, same bat channel! Well tomorrow morning anyway 😉
Trying to make light of things to be honest. I know DG is now feeling very nervous, and I’m sure tonight will feel very long, but hopefully this time tomorrow we will finally know for sure and can start some proper excitement and planning 🙂