50/50

Yes those are our odds that this cycle will continue. 50/50. No better, no worse. It feels like the toss of a coin, and that feels like we’re working on luck, and I’ve never been much of one for good luck.

On both sides the number of follicles have increased, but not too dramatically. The left ovary now measures 4.5 cm and has gone from 12 follicles to 14. Eleven of those have developed to 14-16 mm, while the others are apparently much smaller. On the right at 7 cm (i think it was) things still aren’t looking good. The nurse stopped counting at 20 and got on with measuring the main follicles. A couple had grown right up to almost 18mm, a good handful to 14-16 with a lot of the others being much smaller. The hope is that those at 14-16 mm can be coaxed to nearer 18 over the weekend, whilst dropping the stimulation drugs right down so the smallest ones don’t develop much further.

Bloods were also taken to test my oestradiol levels. They’ll use this in conjunction with a scan on Monday to try and get a clearer overall picture of how things are, and what options they have.

Their issue isn’t whether I go into hyper-stimulation now, although obviously there’s still a risk. Its when I’m given the hcg injection prior to egg collection that thigns could get ugly. And, once this is given, there’s nothing they can do to take it back! Because I am there solely as a donor, they have said they’re not prepared to take any kind of risk and that the hfea is very clear on that side of things too.

Come Monday lunchtime we could be being told egg collection is Wednesday, or we could be being told its all over for now.

I’ve just done tonight’s jabs, or rather dh has while I bury my face against his shoulder, screw my eyes up and breathe deeply. My stimming drugs have been dropped right down to 50iu to try and and slow things down as much as we can without grinding to a halt and compromising egg quality. I’m not finding them any easier, if anything now the outcome is possibly looking bleak, I’m finding them harder.

I’m guessing the drugs, the bloating and my two monsters driving me slightly batty aren’t helping but I’m feeling quite down about everything this evening. I knew when I initially made the offer this was going to be a very big thing for me to do. I have never coped well with needles. My mum’s first question about how the first jabs went was whether I collapsed or not! To carry on right up until the point of egg collection and then being told its not going ahead and in a few months time we will have to start again is pretty unbearable. I would probably even have to continue taking the suprecur jabs for a while now to calm the follicles back down again.

Not saying I wouldn’t do it, that’s not my point, its just that cancelling Monday would be pretty worst case scenario for me. It feels very selfish even to say that, as for dg there is a much bigger picture, and so many other things to contend with even if we are successful in getting a positive pregnancy test, but its just how I feel this evening. One of the worst things I remember from our brush with infertility is the not knowing, and here we are again, in limbo, not knowing.

To be honest I think the hormones are kicking in, and I need a bloody decent night’s sleep, so tomorrow morning I’m likely to feel much more cheerful about everything. But, hey, this is what blogs are for. To let it all out. So I have. And now I shall go to the kitchen and eat cold roast potatoes that I didn’t have room for when I eat my tea earlier as my stomach is fighting for room with my jumbo over-excitable ovaries!